I haven’t posted anything for a while. I’ve been feeling life, instead.
A lot has been going on. I’m not “just” the phoenix rising from the ashes, I’m also the caterpillar changing into a butterfly. It’s been intense!
It started when I was born and didn’t want to be here. I’ve never wanted to be here. It has nothing to do with depression. It has nothing to do with suicide. At least not in this life. I think this life is repayment for suicide in a past life, though.
So, When I came here this time, I cried for three days. Mom said I couldn’t suckle, and that messed up her and my relationship, but I really didn’t want to be here anyway. I didn’t want to start breathing. It took the doctor several minutes to get me to breathe. My attitude hasn’t changed a whole lot since then.
In the past couple months, I’ve had another birthday, had my therapist retire and go on to his after-work life, said good-bye to several friends and activities that I used to enjoy, lost the ability to crochet as much as I’d like, lost money and financial support, and gained weight – again!
The weight is more about not being able to spend the funds necessary to eat a KETO diet, which is a more expensive way of eating than poverty-ridden senior citizens can afford. And I admit, I’m in that group. I still do my best, get the vitamins, minerals, fiber and foods that cause the least inflammation to my body, and I get adequate caloric intake. It just isn’t what I would like to eat. And all the losses make me crave the carbohydrates more than normal, so I gave it up for now.
I went through my annual month of grieving and had to deal with my therapist’s retirement at the end of that. It isn’t that everyone I’ve ever lost left in February, but the combined losses seem to hit hardest during that month.
I got a sinus infection in January that laid me low. By the time I got in to the doctor, it was on it’s way out, so it was most likely a viral infection that affected my sinuses, instead of the regular bacterial-based sinus infections we are more familiar with. I had some strange symptoms, one of which continues – a middle-of-the-night coughing fit.
Spiritually, I’ve been growing by leaps and bounds. It’s as if the entire universe has opened the floodgates and put all the textbooks in my head at once. I have so much more psychic ability, and my reach for healing has greatly expanded. I can now help people I’ve never met physically! It’s wonderful! I still have the constraint to only help those who give me permission but at least I don’t have to touch you to help you.
I’ve completely lost interest in violence, sexual expression, manipulation, and other topics of TV entertainment. Instead, I’ll opt for apocalypse movies, nature gone wild, history documentaries, funny cats, inane comedy like “Royal Wedding” starring Fred Astaire, costume dramas, and YouTube truthers or psychics. I don’t take things too much to heart, since I don’t have an attachment to this earth anymore.
Yep, you read that right. I don’t feel attached to the earth anymore. I feel like I’m looking down on the earth from some other galaxy. Arcturus, Sirius, Lyre, or something like that. I’m looking down on my life from a higher-self most of the time.
I’m not worried about what other people are doing, believe me! You can do whatever you want to. I’m not interested. I’m still self-centered enough to be interested in myself first and foremost. I worry about my cat, but that’s really about it.
I notice when people decide to leave, and who is leaving. I see their fear and trepidation coming off them in waves, but they really have nothing to fear. The other side is another way of life, is all. Life doesn’t ever cease. The soul, the “I” never stops. It goes from one dimension to another with ease. The “forgetting” of the human condition is what drives the fear of pain and death.
I know what is going on in the world right now. Fear of the Covid-19 virus has caused massive panic on a near-global scale. I’m worried that I won’t have enough cat litter or toilet paper. Other than that, I think we’ll be OK. I did what I could to prepare for the end of the world. I have food and canned goods. I have a small propane stove, candles, space heaters and a heater I can put together from clay pots and tealights. We will be OK. I think.
I have an oxygen concentrator because of my C-PAP, so if I get sick, I can put on a canula and turn on the machine. I have cough syrup, Tylenol and hand sanitizer in the apartment and my purse. I’m in good shape.
I have TV on the internet and the bill is paid. If I don’t want to be distracted, I can read, sew or put together some of the crochet projects that need finishing to keep my hands busy.
One of the things I miss is my writing. I was struck with the thought that my “fantasy” world was manifesting some of the crazy stuff I’m seeing in 3D. After all, I write about exactly what is going on right now. My Anne Riddle series is shot full of the insane politics we are seeing today, even though I wrote most of it over 2 years ago.
Will I write again? I don’t know. My non-fiction is more likely to get some attention for a while, I think. I am writing down my “what if” thoughts and putting them together so that I have my ideas when I’m ready to write fiction again.
I know this post seems a bit all over the place, and that’s what I’m feeling – scattered. I’m feeling torn in several directions at once, like I’m not really here. I’m out there in space someplace, looking down on all this.
It’s a very strange sensation.